Broken Heart. A Leaf of Life....
(Facts Not Fiction) 12-02-2007
You all can laugh at my expenses! We moved to our new rented house .All our neighbors were very courteous especially one Anglo Indian family. They had two little lovely daughters. At that time, the small one was not studying but her elder sister was studying in L KG. I named the small one Missile! She was very mischievous and boisterous. At her will, she stormed in and out of our house. She will always get it what ever she wants, if not she will break it. Hardly two years old and two feet in height .she wielded enormous power with impunity. Whenever she threatened me with drier consequence, I was at her mercy. She usually threatened me by saying that she will break any one of my items or tear any of my favorite books. She announces her arrival by flung opening our main door .the door that slams against the side of the wall tells her temperamental moods. She made sure that we all felt her presence in our house. Whenever she storm out of our house she made sure the main door was’ properly’ closed. Aftermath of the hurricane can be felt all over our house. Missing cartoon or picture from our newspaper, broken items or at times missing object of her desire. Little monster. Between us, we had a love hate relationship! Her elder sister was diagonally opposite to her. She was docile and very obedient. She sings nursery rhymes for me, at times she told fairy tail stories from her books. Some times she asks me to read fairy tail for her. Seven dwarf, Cinderella, Alice in the wonderland...I liked both of them. They helped me to understand their little world. Before I met them I was very allergic to kids. Kids are very stubborn, they cry and make mess around; above all, they check my patience. Later in my life, it helped me to understand my own little princess. (My only daughter).
In India unlike other community people Anglo-Indians are more open. Missile's dad was a hen packed husband .he doted on two of his daughters .her grand mother (nana) was an old respectable lady .she suffered form asthma .her grand pa was a retired army man. Regardless of our age we were good friends. Second World War he fought along with British army against Japanese in Burma. Inside the elephant grass field his enemy charged at him with his buoyant. He was lucky enough to survive. On his baldhead, he carried the souvenir. Ten-inch deep wounds were visible. In those days I had only black and white T.V .no VCR, that brought me and uncle even closer .to see my favorite Holly Wood or Hindi movies I rented video cassette and took it to their house to watch .we also watched x rated video cassettes when missile's family was away. Age difference? No bar. Missile’s mother makes delicious food. Whenever she makes any special food, she personally brought it our house .my mother always had health problems .B.P, Diabetics, arthritic, orthopedic, depression...she was a great help for my mother. After dinner, my parents and their family sit and discuss in our lawn. My parents were looking for their feature daughter in law that time. I told my parents that I do not wanted to get married .me and my freedom, no more obligations. That was my slogan. Freedom means everything to me. Selfish? I had never misused my freedom .no drinks, drugs or prostitution. I am a very privet person. That was the way my parents brought me up. They taught me about family values and important of roots. The fight is not between me and the rest to the world .the fight is within me .I wanted to flyaway (freedom) but my roots are firmly grouted. Missile’s mother told me “Jivan. Since you do not believe in religion or cast. Shall I look for a girl for you? Tell me about your kind of girl? She smiled at me .I said a big NO. I am enjoying my celibacy life.” she may be bit elder to me but we vibe well. She worked in a privet company as an executive. She was a Leo. She was the boss in her house but with me she was down to earth. She was a loving mother for her little darlings and caring daughter for her aged parents. At that time, I was working for Sheraton hotel in Chennai .I knew lot of girls at my work place either as friends or colleagues but this woman was different from all the girls I met so far. One of the reasons could be because I was an introvert. I do not mix freely with girls besides I suffer from inferiority complex. Other than, for official talk I still do not mix with girls. Even though she controlled and manipulated her husband, she loves her husband more than she loves any else in this world .my friendship with her was not based on love or sex. She had no sex appeal at all. Taller than me. About six feet and weighs tons? May be ninety-nine kilograms or so. FAT. Dark complexion, chubby cheeks with bob cut hair .at home she tie it with elastic rubber band and make it looks like a piggy tail. With heavy curtain maxi, she looks parallel and barrel in shape. Her Posterior is like 70 MM ultra Wide. Does she excite you? Two of her daughters were studying at the prestigious convent in the city. To catch the bus in the morning rush hours she walks pretty fast while two of her little daughters struggled to catch up with her. She remained me of mama duckling. Once I told her “you looks like a mama ducklings” she never took me seriously .she treated me like a kid brother .I did not know the name of our friendship .To me it’s the persons character and his or her gray matter that attracts and fascinates me. Love thy neighbor? I think because of her good character I was infatuated with her. There were no untoward incidents in ‘our’ life. Every thing was fine until...
Before my father's death, he had embrace to saint's way of life. (Sanayasam) for the past eight years. Even thought my parents slept in same room. They had separate cot for them. I think my father had intuition about kicking bucket on that particular day. After the news, he usually goes to bed by 9.30.p.m. that day he spoke to my mother until 11p.m.later my mother told me that my father had spoken about my marriage and my future .he was more worried about my feature. Just a service technician he was sure I would not be able to make out a decent life. I am also not interested in getting married nor am I serious about my life. He recollected all the major incidents from my parents married life to till 11p.m. At about 11p.m. he retired to bed. I was fast asleep in my adjacent room .my father felt uneasy pain on his chest. He got out of bed and asked my mother to lay mat on the floor .he reached for lord murugan’s photo to pray. Shooting pain on his chest brought him to floor. My mother’s fanatic calls woke me up .I checked time .it is my habit any time if I woke up in the middle of night I first check time, it was 1.35 Am.I rushed to my parent's room. Father was writhing in pain, he was holding on to his chest. I give him hard massage on his chest. (Place your left hand over the chest and bang it with your right fist, massage. repeat the procedures for couple of times. I just cannot do it in front of my frightened mother. If my father did not recover form the stroke my mother will think that I had killed him by banging on his chest .she was shell-shocked .She is an old woman, this type of procedures she will never understand. My father did not respond to me. Suddenly he relaxed his body (Collapsed). I took stethoscope and checked for his heart beat .NIL .it was 1.38 Am. year 1989. I knew every thing was over May be doctor can revive his heartbeat. My mother started wailing. I went and called Anglo Indian family. They all came to our house. We had no phone at home so I took my bike, went to the nearest specialty hospital at about two K.M away, and brought the ambulance. Her husband accompanied me to hospital in the ambulance mean while her family stayed with my mother. Doctor placed two electrical prods on my father's chest, even after giving electrical pulse charge three times there was no responses from my father. Report.’ Brought dead’ we took my father's body back to my home, for us it seems life had ended. Funeral … my relatives, workers from my fathers factory, my colleagues and neighbors came to pay their last respect for my father. After consulting with senior relatives by next day at 4p.m, we decided to take my father's body for crimination.
Now visualize this scene in black and white. Before taking body for cremination, my mother had to pay her last respect to my father. Next to my mother, I was standing at my father's feet. My mother knelt down, touched my father’s feet, and prayed for his soul. …." You are leaving me…. Who is there is to look after me?" my mother started wailing. I helped my mother to get back to her feet. She leaned on my chest.” Mom, I will be there for you…I will look after you. ", Does this scene appears to you straight out of vintage art movie? Well, I was not prepared to act. It just happened in that way. I so far I had kept my promise. After the" incident". I could not love my mother the same way. As per our religious custom, after the death of family head we are not suppose to cook food for one week Missile’ mother prepared food for us…three times per day…for a week! Believe me very few people in this world will do it for others. We also had to observe fourteen days mourning as per our customs. I sat at home and thought about our bleak feature. No more T.V or music. … She told me to watch T.V at her house just to divert my sorrow. Some time I watched TV with her dad (Uncle).her kids also help me to lessen my sorrow. We had a common servant for both of us .she was a part time servant for both of us. After about a week of my father's death our servant told me "Brother. People are talking about your affair with madam!”
I was shocked. Opposite to our colony road, there are lane houses. I was concerned about her reputation. This dirty rumor can play havoc in her married life. Who spread this dirty rumor? I swear …I never touched her. I never went to her house when her kids and her parents are away nor we had ever discussed about her intimate married life .we never talked about sex. You ask her. Being an Anglo-Indian woman she was very frank. In other communities you do not see married woman with this qualities .She always treated me like a kid brother may be it was my fault.I was infatuated with her but I never expressed my feelings for her .I knew she was married woman; she was also great help for my mother. Even at this age of fifty-three, I am still an immature person. I am an Aquarian. Inside me there is a boy who refused to grow up (not physically), I lack mental maturity. I know I am imperfect. It was not an infatuation, it was even worst .she became my obsession .but still she was not my object of desire! It was all because of her good character. That was the first and last time in my life, I ever had female friend. I did not want to loose my friend at any cost. However, every thing went horrible wrong .My friend was Leo .she was a magnanimous person. I got married after ten years to my present wife. Since I am an atheist I do not believe in horoscope but I knew we are not compatible as per zodiac signs .my wife had all the negative characters of a Leo. What a striking contract in same Leo character. No wonder our marred life went down the drain. To find out what went wrong between us you need to read my life/story “The Life of Little princess. As an Aquarian, I wanted to know nothing but truth. I wanted to know who spread this dirty rumor. The next day I went to her house and pressed calling bell. She opened the main door for me and said "Jivan. Please do not come to our house anymore… your mother told someone that we are having an affair!" there were tears in her eyes .she closed door on me. I want back to my home and asked my mother whether she had told some one that I am having affair with her? My mother shouted at me. "Why should I say some thing like that? If someone said some thing like that why do you want to clarify with me?” My mother is an old orthodox woman with a suspicious mentality. I told my mother that we should go to her house and clarify it with her. I did not want these rumors to affect her married life. I had no problems if she does not want to talk to me but this rumor was ridicules. To clear my doubts I tried to talk to her but she and my mother refuse to have a formal (along with her family) talk. Whether I am an aquarium or not I always wanted to know the truth. Nothing but truth. This particular character is in my blood. Since both of them refused to clear my doubts, I had no way of knowing the truth. Readers may find it silly. To me it was matter of life or death. Deep inside I was cracking up. I had suffered sever depression … Depression started turning into maniac depression. I was left alone to fend my self… never in my lifetime I felt so lonely and helpless…. I am a privet person .I do not drink nor I went to a prostitute to tell about my broken heart. The emotional turmoil I had suffered was palpable. Imagine the pressure not to become insane! My mother's and my own life depends on me .had I became mentally derailed there was nobody to look after my mother or me. My mother was watching me but she did nothing to help me. I called on my only intimate family friend, for the past sixteen years. I said, "Look, Venket, there is some miss understanding …... A rumor. . I need your help. Save me Venket, I am sinking. Together we will sit with her family and clear my doubts. I only wanted to know who spread the rumor .was it my mother? If it was her .she could have told me but why blaming it on my mother? My only family friend I ever had in my lifetime refused to cooperate with me. He said.” Jivan, it is a family problem; I do not want to get involved." Eighteen years ago I wrote in my scrabbling pad." To help others one needs a willing heart. .you will not find a willing soul in this materiel world”. When you ask some one for help; they wanted run in the opposite direction if not he or she wanted to know the motivations behind it! Funny people. My eldest sister who was married stayed at the other end the city. She is eight years elder to me. Unexpectedly after some days, she came to my house. I told my sister that there was misunderstanding .a rumor. Let us go to her house, sit with her family, and clear every thing once for all. My sister told me “To avoid you she must have told you lie! ". Till now my question remains same, “But, why "? I continued 'If she wanted to get rid of me, why she should blame it on my mother"? My sister told me "STOP being silly"! Let us go the psychiatric and get over with it. Take control of your life and look after your mother.”
We went to one of the Chennai’s leading physiatrist. He had sympathetic ears because time is money for him .the very same question I had asked doctor.” if she wanted to avoid me why she should blame it on my mother? Did my mother spread this rumor, just because of her suspicious nature?” Doctors are no fools .had he told me “yes ". I will hate my mother for the rest of my life. Doctor prescribed me tempodep, sleeping pills the other medicine I do not know it could be mellaril or largatill .but I am not sure. He asked me to shift our house far away form her house. He continued, “Even in future, if ever you came across with her do not keep grudges with her. Avoid or just be normal". We shifted our house about two kilometers away. They are still staying in their own house. Even though we are just two-kilo meter apart, we have never met. Medicines were wonderful. I tried to recollect events ever since we move next to her house. The more I tried to recollect the more it became hard. There was discontinuity in thoughts. With the help of sleeping pills, I slept like a log. I had to continue medicine for five months. Medicine power was gradually reduced and I was asked to discontinue after five months. My memoirs started hunting me again,…I was badly in need of break. . I tried for job abroad. Send my mother to my sister's home and left for Oman on two years contract basis for A/C installation work .it was an Indian company, a part from extreme climatically condition work and life was very hard. Even though this chapter in my life took eighteen years ago. I still do not know who played the cruel jock on my life. She or my mother? Life became a comedy of error. You readers can have a hearty laugh at my expense. . Believe me only the person who had a broken heart can understand emotional turmoil. It is no laughing matter for a man or woman who had experienced …Imagine; it was only an infatuation from my side but in the end, we both had suffered. She had her family to fall back but I had none. I still do not know whether it was my mother or she played a cruel jock with my life. Perhaps I will never know the truth in my lifetime. Only person who experienced heartbreak knows how difficult it is to get back to normal life. …. to live and enjoy life once again. I am at loss to express my mental agony in words. Looking over my shoulder, I still cannot laugh at me. Infatuation? Obsession? Or sheer stupidity? This is what I wrote in my scribbling pad. "When you are in love (even if it is one way); you loose your heat. With out heart your brain cannot function properly. You are lost forever. Hopelessly…" (Should I add shamelessly?).We never met each other over the past eighteen years…less than two kilometer away, we lead our own life. Quote from me”. Finding a genuine friend in this material world is one in a million chances. Blessed are those people who found a genuine friend. Preserves it for a lifetime.
N.B. I missed the little monster. Missile .now she must be a young woman in her twenties with full of beans. I have not written BROKEN HEART .A Leaf of Life … for sympathy. Be honest. Have you had a hearty laugh or not? I would like to hear it from you. Very few people can write about their stupidity or even about the skeletons in their cupboard. People those who are trying to create and sell their images in the public cannot do it. Falling for a married woman is the worst thing you can do. More than the physical gain, it is the emotional devastation you will have endure it.