Sunday, April 3, 2011

Less Than 32 Hours…

Less Than 32 Hours…
04-12-2009
To get the clear picture first you have to read “First Writer” Less than 32 hours….Tell me what were you doing on 03-04-07 at 2.30p.m? Less then thirty-two hours and I would have become history! At the ‘fag end of my life’, I had survived for three months on a loaf of bread, cigarettes and few cups of coffee. I felt very time and sick. Most of the time I slept, I woke up only to complete my last fiction “Eternal Love “. I could not afford to pay rent for flat. It was time to move on... but where? I asked few of my friends whether I could stay on their terrace. Food was not a problem for me. They all said some lame excuse. A rich person can live out of his suitcase. But I live out of my steel trunk box. I carried only few of my prized possession. My certificates,Now it is of no use for Me. camera, three-in-one., our family albums, few books about photography and few cloths. I sold whatever household articles were in my house and took a lodge few streets away from our rented flat.

We had a family friend in that flat. She is of my same age with a grown up son. She is a Brahmin and very religious person. She writes about the greatness of temple in local magazines. She was great help for my mother. Before moving out, I told her to look for me a job in lodge, in situation vacant. Reason for looking job in a lodge is that I will have free accommodation. Here I Chennai you need to pay ten months rent as advance and one-month rent as brokerage. I spent my time typing my fiction at the browsing center. I was trying to complete” Eternal Love” before money runs out. I had money for just five days stay at the lodge. After that what? On the third day after finishing my fiction I returned to lodge.

I was thinking what I should do when money runs out on day after tomorrow. In the dark room of my lodge I was contemplating whether to hang or not! Just by closing my eyes, I could see myself hanging from the ceiling fan. I was not scared. Just a little bit of struggle and everything would be fine. In side my head another kind of tug-of- war taking place. My inner voice was telling me..”You fool you wanna die like a coward? You hit the bottom of life. This is not the way to get out of the rut. You know you wrote fiction with better story concept; it may take time before some one find out…
I …”when and how long it is going to take”? … I had no idea...
Inner voice…” you coward you never fought for your life. If only you are alive you can fight for your life. If you hang just like a dog, you become one among unclaimed body at the government hospital….
I …”how am I going to survive without money in this world.”
I V...” you need to repay with same coin. Stating with my wife. For ruining my family life. First, I will have to return her gold ornaments. If I make more money, I will get divorce even if I have to pay alimony. “It was impossible to live rest of my life with a lair, sarcastic and egomaniac. My little daughter deserve better life .I salute woman who stood by their husband in the worst and the best period of their married life.

Life has been Cruel to me. I had never planned my life .I took life as it comes… We the lesser mortals think haven is somewhere up in the sky. Heaven and hell is here on earth .we only experience heaven or hell. Our experience remains with us for the rest of our life. It is a lifetime experience .enjoy it! Hell, when we hit the bottom of our life. Meaning of heaven differs from person to person. For a woman it is the first time she holds her own baby in her hand. For few men it is the feeling between the legs of a woman. Its all depends on who you are and what kind of the stuff you are made of. My thought was disturbed by my mobile call. I checked time it was 2.52 P.m the call was from our old family friend. She told me “Jivan, there is a vacancy for lodge manager .you attend the interview with out fail .And she wished me good luck.

I went to the restaurant and had my lunch. Took bus and went to the lodge. Since morning, nine people had already attended interview. Most of them with experience as lodge manger. After checking my certificates owner told me” you do not have experience a lodge manager. ..”
I …” I had worked for Chola Sheraton, it is a five star super deluxe hotel in Chennai for ten years and as a sales cum service technician I had more than twenty years experience in customer division. I am able to speak different Indian languages. Hindi, Tamil, Malayalam and Telugu.
He told me that your experience is of no use! Running a lodge needs lot of experience. As a service technician you can take care of all the electrical appliances in our lodge.”
I …” That is O.K. No problem….
He continued.. Since you do not have experience as a lodge manager, we will pay you Rs.3000 .less than ($ 50) per month with free food and accommodation. My working hours? More than sixteen hours .24x7! Next day I joined for job.

Here I am on self-imposed exile. The only soul on this planet, our old family friend asks me occasionally whether I am fine or not. Not even my own family knows whether I am alive or dead. I want others to know about me only on print or e-media. Since I am working 7am to 11 p.m, I have not time to worry about any thing. But my creativity is dying … no time to write...

You know the reason why I wrote Less than 32 hours.. Not for sympathy but I want you to think like me, like an atheist call it rational thinking. You theist will think just because my family friend prayed for me and I got the job. Right? Wrong! Let us check the ground reality. It could be because the other candidates with experience asked for more salary. In my case I can speak five different Indian languages, I can repair mechanical and electrical appliance besides I had worked for five star hotel Chola Sheraton, salora international (Panasonic products- office automation equipment .sales cum service technician, E.E of Oman and godrej franchise. Since they provide me accommodation, I am almost round clock on duty, that too for a meager amount of salary. These factors got me job. This is how an atheist like me will think .rational thinking. I will move out when I financially independent. Till then this is my prison. I have no one to talk to... some of us had gone through hell .others are in the waiting list. (Jock). When we all goes through hell, naturally we ask , why me?.

I have no intent to become a writer. As and when I think and find new story concept I will write fiction. Finding a new story concept comes naturally to me. But writing sub plots and developing into a novel /fiction is boring and time consuming process. Do you wonder how I wrote fictions? I was not a writer I was forced to write when my wife walked out of my life with my only daughter. My characters are spread all over my fictions. Some time I have to develop special character for my fictional character.

My future plans. I would love to work as creative director to assist director, SFX and CGI artist for my science fiction. Eternal Love, War on Terror and Broken Heart (horror). To learn script writing and screen ply writing. War on terror sci-fi is only thirty-five A-4pages long. I want to develop subplots and make it into graphic novel. Later in life, I want to write fiction with unique story concept and direct movie. It could be shoestring budget movie. I believe no novel /fiction is great. The greatness lies in its story concept. Some other day I want to put Universal love the new religion on Wikipedia so that atheist form all over the word can edit and write new religion based on my concept I  may be a small man, but my vision is greater than the universe!

You might ask me as an atheist and pessimist how did I manage to survive worst period of my life? As an atheist, I do not believe things, which cannot be proved by scientific methods. God, fate, bad time’s etc. well I had been through all these things. Even though I do not believe in these things, I had experienced it. Any other person in my shoes would have believed in fate and bad times. I still refuse to believe in it. Here in Chennai there is a proverb “if a person is suffering in his life it is all because his father decided to remove his knickers not on auspicious time”! Having gone through hell, I think I am forced to believe in this proverb. These words pacified my mind! I do not believe in Proverbs. in future if I am, having a good time then this proverb will become meaningless. I tell you none of the proverbs makes any sense.

In my life, I had failure after failure… I became pessimist .I would not recommend pessimism to anyone. However, it helped me to weather the storm and helped me to think of next option or course of life. So much frustration and pent-up feelings I hated every thing, including me. I lost confidence in me. I was never an overconfident person. But unlike others I know my limitations what I can do and what I can not do. I do not preach pessimism to others. People with over confidence will committed suicide because they can not take failure in life. Others ended up in lunatic asylum. You just ask any madman what he cannot do. He will tell you he can do anything! Once upon a time he was a person with overconfidence and incurable optimist .failure after failure in life made him MAD. I can only sympathize with him. Overconfidence can boost your ego but it cannot solve any of your problems. Confidence is directly proposition to money and achievements. When you hit the bottom of your life there are only two options left. Either you get perished if not fight for your life and get out of the hell. Third option is exclusively reserved for theist. He will wait for the god to save his life till his last breath. Situation and circumstance will force you to believe in irrational things in those times I want you to think rationally. Whether you are a theist or atheist, if you are ruled by conscience, you cannot be a bad person. Enough is enough. I am trying to kill my conscience, So that I can be a free spirit. I have no more guilty conscience.

In my life I went beyond breaking point without the help of medicine now I am limping back to life. Any normal person would have broken into several pieces. Now I am a changed person. I have no feelings for others. No more sentimental values in my life. I, me, myself. To achieve something one must be selfish. Somewhere deep down I still long for love and affection.
Friend,
Jivan

N.B .if I became successful in my life. This scribbled article became inspirational story for a budding writer .if not I am one among millions of struggling writer obsessed with writing .if you are a struggling writer like me you are likely to say.” Hello Mr.…. you are telling my “story “. Sad part of any creative person writer, artists etc is that until and unless his /her name appears in print and e-media he/she does not exist! As a struggling writer, I am not supposed to send negative vibes. We aliens do not care what others think of us. What I think and how I feel is more important to me .my likes and dislikes are very strong.

Have you noticed one thing? On blog, people are picture perfect. Impressive resume, great achievements and digital perfect profile photo. I have noting to boost. Here on blog I am not trying to sell or create image. I am the one and only jivan.

I never plan to write any thing. At times, I was forced to write my opinion about particular topic. Some of the article, which I want to write, will take months or even years! It would be all about ME, me, and me.
Some time I think whether to write or not. That period is called incubation period. My subconscious mind cook-up things. After some time it became unbearable. I then type non-stop until I finish. .. You readers might have noticed that I am too lazy to proof read (some time I swallow few words here and there!) or edit properly. Ask any writer they will tell you it is the laziest job in the world. In my case, if I do proof reading and editing I will never be satisfied. I want to change /modify or even rewrite the whole article! This is not the same case with all my fictions. Over a period of year, little by little I had done proof reading and editing with the best of my knowledge.