Sunday, September 30, 2012

Life of Little Princess. part-5

On funeral day, relatives, workers from my father’s factory, my colleagues and neighbors came to pay their last respect to my father. After consulting with senior relatives by next day at 4p.m, we decided to take my father's body for crimination.
Now visualize this scene in black and white. Before taking body for crimination, my mother had to pay her last respect to my father. Next to my mother, I was standing at my father's feet. My mother knelt down, touched my father’s feet, and prayed for his soul. …." You are leaving me…. Who is there is to look after me?" my mother started wailing. I helped my mother to get back to her feet. She leaned on my chest.” Mom, I will be there for you…I will look after you. ", Does this scene appears to you straight out of vintage black and white art movie? Well, I was not prepared to act. It just happened in that way. I so far I had kept my promise. After "one particular incident".  I could not love my mother the same way. As per our religious custom, after the death of family head we are not supposed to cook food for one week. Missile’ mother prepared food for us…three times per day… Believe me very few people in this world will do it for others. We also had to observe fourteen days mourning as per our customs.  I sat at home and thought about our bleak feature. No more T.V or music. … She told me to watch T.V at her house just to divert my sorrow. Sometimes I watched TV with her dad (Uncle).her kids also help me to lessen my sorrow. We had a common servant for both of us .she was a part time servant for both of us. After about a week of my father's death our servant told me "Brother. People are talking about your affair with madam!”
I was shocked. Opposite to our colony road, there are lane houses. I was concerned about her reputation. This dirty rumor can play havoc in her married life. Who spread this dirty rumor? I swear …I never touched her. I never went to her house when her kids and her parents were away nor we had ever discussed about her intimate married life .we never talked about sex. You ask her. Being an Anglo-Indian woman she was very frank. In other communities you do not see married woman with this qualities .She always treated me like a kid brother may be it was my fault. I was infatuated with her but I never expressed my feelings for her .I knew she was married woman; she was also great help for my mother. Even at this age of fifty-four, I am still an immature person. I am an Aquarian. Inside me there is a boy who refused to grow up (not physically), I lack mental maturity. I know I am imperfect. It was not an infatuation, it was even worst .she became my obsession .but still she was not my object of desire! It was all because of her good character. That was the first and last time in my life, I ever had female friend. I did not want to lose my friend at any cost. However, everything went horrible wrong .My friend was Leo .she was a magnanimous person. I got married after ten years to my present wife. Since I am an atheist I do not believe in horoscope but I knew we are not compatible as per zodiac signs .my wife had all the negative characters of a Leo. What a striking contract in same Leo character. No wonder our marred life went down the drain. As an Aquarian, I wanted to know nothing but truth. I wanted to know who spread this dirty rumor. The next day I went to her house and pressed calling bell.   She opened the main door for me and said "Jivan. Please do not come to our house anymore…your mother told someone that we are having an affair!" there were tears in her eyes .she closed door on me. I want back to my home and asked my mother whether she had told some one that I am having affair with her? My mother shouted at me. "Why should I say something like that? If someone said something like that why do you want to clarify with me?”
My mother is an old orthodox woman with a suspicious mentality. In fact she is a schizophrenic patient. I told my mother that we should go to her house and clarify it with her in front of her family. I did not want these rumors to affect her married life. I had no problems if she does not want to talk to me but this rumor was ridicules. To clear my doubts I tried to talk to her but she and my mother refuse to have a formal talk (Along with her family). Whether I am an aquarium or not I always wanted to know the truth. Nothing but truth. This particular character is in my blood. Since both of them refused to clear my doubts, I had no way of knowing the truth. Readers may find it silly. To me it was matter of life or death. Deep inside me was cracking up.  I had suffered severe depression … Depression was turning into maniac depression. I was left alone to fend myself… never in my lifetime I felt so lonely and helpless…. I am a privet person .I did not drink nor I went to prostitute to tell about my broken heart. The emotional turmoil I had suffered was palpable.  Imagine the pressure not to become insane! My mother's and my own life depends on me .had I became mentally derailed there was nobody to look after my mother or me. My mother was watching me but she did nothing to help me. I called on my only intimate family friend, for the past sixteen years. I said, "Look, Venket, there is some miss understanding …... A rumor. . I need your help. Save me Venket, I am sinking.  Together we will sit with her family and clear my doubts. I only wanted to know who spread the rumor .was it my mother?  If it was her .she could have told me but why blaming it on my mother? My only family friend I ever had in my lifetime refused to cooperate with me. He said.” Jivan, it is a family problem; I do not want to get involved." Eighteen years ago I wrote in my scrabbling pad." To help others one needs a willing heart. .you will not find a willing soul in this materiel world”. When you ask someone for help; they wanted run in the opposite direction if not he or she wanted to know the motivations behind it! People are funny. 
My eldest sister who was married stayed at the other end the city. She is eight years elder to me. Unexpectedly after some days, she came to my house. I told my sister that there was misunderstanding (rumor) Let us go to her house, sit with her family, and clear everything once for all. My sister told me “To avoid you she must have told you lie!  ". Till now my question remains same, “But, why? I continued 'If she wanted to get rid of me, why she should blame it on my mother"? My sister told me "STOP being silly"! Let us go the psychiatric and get over with it. Take control of your life and look after your mother.”
We went to one of the Chennai’s leading physiatrist. He had sympathetic ears because time is money for him .the very same question I had asked doctor.” if she wanted to avoid me why she should blame it on my mother? Did my mother spread this rumor, just because of her suspicious nature?” Doctors are no fool; he said “yes, maybe she told you a lie".  Had he told me that my mother told me lie, I would have hated my mother for the rest of my life. Doctor prescribed me tempodep, sleeping pills the other medicine I do not know, it could be mellarill or largatill .but I am not sure. He asked me to shift our house far away from her house. He continued, “Even in future, if ever you came across with her do not keep grudges with her. Avoid or just be normal". We shifted our house about two kilometers away. They are still staying in their own house. Even though we are just two-kilo meter apart, we have never met. Medicines were wonderful. I tried to recollect events ever since we move next to her house. The more I tried to recollect the more it became hard. There was discontinuity in my thoughts.  With the help of sleeping pills, I slept like a log. I had to continue medicine for five months.  Medicine power was gradually reduced and I was asked to discontinue after five months. My memoirs started hunting me again; I was badly in need of break. . I tried for job abroad. Send my mother to my sister's home and left for Oman on two years contract basis for A/C installation work .it was an Indian company, a part from extreme climatically condition work life was also very hard. Even though this chapter in my life took twenty two years ago, I still do not know who played the cruel jock on my life. Whether it was her or my mother? Life became a comedy of error. You readers can have a hearty laugh at