On funeral day, relatives,
workers from my father’s factory, my colleagues and neighbors came to pay their
last respect to my father. After consulting with senior relatives by next day
at 4p.m, we decided to take my father's body for crimination.
Now visualize this scene in
black and white. Before taking body for crimination, my mother had to pay her
last respect to my father. Next to my mother, I was standing at my father's
feet. My mother knelt down, touched my father’s feet, and prayed for his soul.
…." You are leaving me…. Who is there is to look after me?" my mother
started wailing. I helped my mother to get back to her feet. She leaned on my
chest.” Mom, I will be there for you…I will look after you. ", Does this
scene appears to you straight out of vintage black and white art movie? Well, I
was not prepared to act. It just happened in that way. I so far I had kept my
promise. After "one particular incident". I could not love my
mother the same way. As per our religious custom, after the death of family
head we are not supposed to cook food for one week. Missile’ mother prepared
food for us…three times per day… Believe me very few people in this world will
do it for others. We also had to observe fourteen days mourning as per our
customs. I sat at home and thought about our bleak feature. No more T.V
or music. … She told me to watch T.V at her house just to divert my sorrow.
Sometimes I watched TV with her dad (Uncle).her kids also help me to lessen my
sorrow. We had a common servant for both of us .she was a part time servant for
both of us. After about a week of my father's death our servant told me
"Brother. People are talking about your affair with madam!”
I was shocked. Opposite to
our colony road, there are lane houses. I was concerned about her reputation.
This dirty rumor can play havoc in her married life. Who spread this dirty
rumor? I swear …I never touched her. I never went to her house when her kids
and her parents were away nor we had ever discussed about her intimate married
life .we never talked about sex. You ask her. Being an Anglo-Indian woman she
was very frank. In other communities you do not see married woman with this
qualities .She always treated me like a kid brother may be it was my
fault. I was infatuated with her but I never expressed my feelings for her .I
knew she was married woman; she was also great help for my mother. Even at this
age of fifty-four, I am still an immature person. I am an Aquarian. Inside me
there is a boy who refused to grow up (not physically), I lack mental maturity.
I know I am imperfect. It was not an infatuation, it was even worst .she
became my obsession .but still she was not my object of desire! It was all
because of her good character. That was the first and last time in my life, I
ever had female friend. I did not want to lose my friend at any cost. However,
everything went horrible wrong .My friend was Leo .she was a magnanimous
person. I got married after ten years to my present wife. Since I am an atheist
I do not believe in horoscope but I knew we are not compatible as per zodiac signs
.my wife had all the negative characters of a Leo. What a striking contract in
same Leo character. No wonder our marred life went down the drain. As an
Aquarian, I wanted to know nothing but truth. I wanted to know who spread this
dirty rumor. The next day I went to her house and pressed calling
bell. She opened the main door for me and said "Jivan. Please
do not come to our house anymore…your mother told someone that we are having an
affair!" there were tears in her eyes .she closed door on me. I want back
to my home and asked my mother whether she had told some one that I am having
affair with her? My mother shouted at me. "Why should I say something like
that? If someone said something like that why do you want to clarify with me?”
My mother is an old orthodox
woman with a suspicious mentality. In fact she is a schizophrenic patient. I
told my mother that we should go to her house and clarify it with her in front
of her family. I did not want these rumors to affect her married life. I had no
problems if she does not want to talk to me but this rumor was ridicules. To
clear my doubts I tried to talk to her but she and my mother refuse to have a
formal talk (Along with her family). Whether I am an aquarium or not I always
wanted to know the truth. Nothing but truth. This particular character is in my
blood. Since both of them refused to clear my doubts, I had no way of knowing
the truth. Readers may find it silly. To me it was matter of life or death.
Deep inside me was cracking up. I had suffered severe depression …
Depression was turning into maniac depression. I was left alone to fend myself…
never in my lifetime I felt so lonely and helpless…. I am a privet person .I
did not drink nor I went to prostitute to tell about my broken heart. The
emotional turmoil I had suffered was palpable. Imagine the pressure not
to become insane! My mother's and my own life depends on me .had I became
mentally derailed there was nobody to look after my mother or me. My mother was
watching me but she did nothing to help me. I called on my only intimate
family friend, for the past sixteen years. I said, "Look, Venket, there is
some miss understanding …... A rumor. . I need your help. Save me Venket, I am
sinking. Together we will sit with her family and clear my doubts. I only
wanted to know who spread the rumor .was it my mother? If it was her .she
could have told me but why blaming it on my mother? My only family friend I
ever had in my lifetime refused to cooperate with me. He said.” Jivan, it is a
family problem; I do not want to get involved." Eighteen years ago I wrote
in my scrabbling pad." To help others one needs a willing heart. .you will
not find a willing soul in this materiel world”. When you ask someone for help;
they wanted run in the opposite direction if not he or she wanted to know the
motivations behind it! People are funny.
My eldest sister who was
married stayed at the other end the city. She is eight years elder to me.
Unexpectedly after some days, she came to my house. I told my sister that there
was misunderstanding (rumor) Let us go to her house, sit with her family, and
clear everything once for all. My sister told me “To avoid you she must have
told you lie! ". Till now my question remains same, “But, why? I
continued 'If she wanted to get rid of me, why she should blame it on my
mother"? My sister told me "STOP being silly"! Let us go the
psychiatric and get over with it. Take control of your life and look after your
mother.”
We went to one of the
Chennai’s leading physiatrist. He had sympathetic ears because time is money
for him .the very same question I had asked doctor.” if she wanted to avoid me
why she should blame it on my mother? Did my mother spread this rumor, just
because of her suspicious nature?” Doctors are no fool; he said “yes,
maybe she told you a lie". Had he
told me that my mother told me lie, I would have hated my mother for the rest
of my life. Doctor prescribed me tempodep, sleeping pills the other medicine I
do not know, it could be mellarill or largatill .but I am not sure. He asked me
to shift our house far away from her house. He continued, “Even in future, if
ever you came across with her do not keep grudges with her. Avoid or just be
normal". We shifted our house about two kilometers away. They are still
staying in their own house. Even though we are just two-kilo meter apart, we
have never met. Medicines were wonderful. I tried to recollect events ever
since we move next to her house. The more I tried to recollect the more it
became hard. There was discontinuity in my thoughts. With the help of
sleeping pills, I slept like a log. I had to continue medicine for five
months. Medicine power was gradually reduced and I was asked to
discontinue after five months. My memoirs started hunting me again; I was badly
in need of break. . I tried for job abroad. Send my mother to my sister's home
and left for Oman on two years contract basis for A/C installation work .it was
an Indian company, a part from extreme climatically condition work life was
also very hard. Even though this chapter in my life took twenty two years ago,
I still do not know who played the cruel jock on my life. Whether it was her or
my mother? Life became a comedy of error. You readers can have a hearty laugh
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